February 9, 2009

  • These days - I am lonely as hell. That is just - inevitable. I have no friends whom I can trust. The friends you once introduced to me - well, they are just as unreliable...and have caused more troubles than expected. In other words - I did kind of - stalk you...on the internet. But that was not a prevalent thing...it never really was. I lost my internet as you may or may not know...

    I hope you have at least read my fucking letter - the last one ever. It would be a great shame if you did not - because it is revealed in that letter many aspects of your own shadow - a shadow that you are either not aware of - or, are just - simply trying to run away from.

    The crisis between you and I that resulted in where we are today - away, far away from each other - is because of that shadow. You fear it. You think you can keep denying it, and if you escape from it long enough - you may find what you are looking for - The One. But trust me - your relationship with him will not last long. It has started deteriorating already. It is crumbling on an unconscious level. You do not see it - because when our relationship failed after three years, the likelihood of you even keeping your current relationship with him is extremely unlikely.

    You lost me - because I tried to help you see your own shadow, to slow down, to pause, and to reflect. Now, I can not help you. You are beyond helping. You have fallen into your own grave - essentially - every day that you try to deny your internal issues and not deal with them with someone with both subjective and objective experience, and someone whom cared for you for a long time (me for example)...then you are just digging your own grave.

    Deal with the reality that you are more like your mother than you hope to be. Deal with the fact that you too can become a cold, heartless, "bitch." Most bitches do not know they are bitches because nobody ever told them. You cheated on me, and I had to respond. I could not simply follow your path for eternity could I? I had always changed and at least - tried to make progress - it was you who was stuck on your own path of, "my way or the high way."

    You made your choice. You reap what you sow. Nobody escapes their fate.

    Perhaps nobody ever told you in life what you ought to do - so, instead, you decide that to be free means - not listening to what people say what you ought to do. Sometimes, guess what babe - they are right. What you ought to do at times is far more important than what you want to do. Everything good must come to an end. Everything decays, rots, and collapses. There is no escaping the inevitable. Your relationship with him too will end. I give it 4 or 5 months.

    I am not afraid to lose the ones I love anymore. I am not afraid to be alone anymore either. Why should I be? I am already alone and lost the one I loved for so long. You were like a sister to me. You were the one...until you made that choice that resulted in where you are today, and where I am today.

    I am never going back to you. Get used to it.

     

     

    Xinyu Hu - lonely, but stronger than ever