February 12, 2009

  • Lost With or Without You...

    I am so disturbed, distraught, and in a state of shock. I am completely unaware of what is going on around me - I try to live - trying to live...but barely. Inside my heart and soul - there lies a world in ruins. A world of anarchy, discord, and chaos. A world of indifference, a world of apathy, and coldness...a world where it is freezing...an icy world of pain and agony...a world where I don't know who I am anymore...a world where I do not belong...but which I reside. I am a stranger in a strange place without a map.

    I am totally lost. I am confused and dazed. I am traumatized beyond recognition. I am blinded...and I want to let go of the blinds because I can...but this is just so freaking painful! Doesn't anyone understand? Could not someone feel the pain I harbour within? Could not someone have sympathy or even empathy? I am in desolation. My heart is dead...and my soul is silent. A dark silent. Only memories remain...an echo of what what was...and all - lost. For ever. I can not ever go back...I know that...it is just that - every day, the same struggle comes up, and every moment they do, I have to face them, confront them, and not make myself feel guilty...but I know I am alone...and that I have no choice but to accept this predictament...even if I do not want to...

    I am still in anger, in outrage, and in a state of oblivion...whereby I do not know anything anymore...I spend most of my freaking free time reading Shakespeare, studying, or just playing violent RTS computer games - because - seriously, what else am I to do?

    Nobody understands except for my parents...but I am in true isolation. I am blocked both ways...I am confided in a prison of anger and pain...I am angry at everyone and everything...but really - I am angry at myself...much like Zuko...lost, deluded, and in solitude.

    I need to find someone whom I can trust...a sanctuary...and the only one I can find for now - is myself. I am crying deep down inside - I just do not show it of course...this is a really tough, heartwrenching moment in my life...and I am facing it alone - all alone, because it is the only thing I can do.

    I sacrificed so freaking much for you...and this is how you repay me? Everyone owes me something...everyone - no exceptions. One way or another, people will regret what they have done to me...because I sacrificed too much, and lost it all in the end...

    This is the price of a love that is no more. A love that no longer exists...and in its place - anger, frustration, and disappointment...

     

    Xinyu, Anakin Skywalker