August 15, 2009

• Confessions of The Dark Lord

  I have written a psychopathic, if not a sociopathic post on power, and I realize that nobody cared to read it, or, if they did, are frightened by how could such a lovely young man turn out to be like this? How could one write with such indiference the effect of manipulation, coercion, and conspiracy against people without a blink? How, one may ask, could one become so seduced by power? What was the cause? And above all - why?

  This post seeks to answer many of those questions.

  First thing, though, one must realize about me is that I am a loner. I am socially inadequate. I have virtually no friends, and whatever friends I do have - they are either too far away, or...there is no certainty in which direction such friendship are going...and also - there is the fear of rejection on my part...which, despite my sincerest effort to eradicate - is not "solvable."

  I am not a perfect person. I am a man who has lost friendship after friendship, and who has discovered through his last nearly 22 years of his life that this world is an illusion, and that this is just one level of a higher reality. The reason - being that I am a, "conspiracy crackhead." I love conspiracies. I love to study them. I see the logic in conspiracies and manipulation where others do not. I see the reasons why people seek to do evil where they themselves may not recognize it as such, whether consciously or unconsciously.

  I have suffered too much all my life. I have lost my best friend, lover, and the most sacred of all things - virginity to my former best friend. I lost all three - simultaneously. I did not just lose one thing...I lost three things...in what took three years to forge...it took only 3 seconds to devastate. I loved her once. I truly did. I thought I could loved her forever. She was my everything, and the source of my grounding - the person who kept me grounded and not be too far away from groundlevel. Unfortunately; ever since she left me in the sign of the Scorpion...that is...October 2008...things just have turned from bad to worse.

  I have become obsessive with conspiracies, with power, and with doublethink - the warped up philosophy in 1984 by George Orwell. I have become so obsessed with each of these three things that I have become so desperate for company that I have lose track of what it was that I was suppose to be desperate about. I really want to have lifelong friends, friends whom I can trust, even rely on. I live in a world full of obsessions, because to me - obsessions do not destroy - they create. Contrary to what most people think about, "obsessions."

  My hunger for power - where did that desire originate from? Simple - my admiration, even my adoration of Darth Sidious and the Party, from Star Wars and 1984 respectively. Lord Sidious`technique was basically a one-man manipulation and coercion game (because he knew what was really going on, even though he had his felllow servants, minions, and agents)...and the Party - the ultimate embodiment of pure, infinite, absolute power. Power without limits is a beautiful thing to me - even though many would consider that a marking of a psychopathic personality. The question to whether or not I actually care whether or not people think I am a psychopath or not is that I could care less. I gave up caring about, "public relations." I give up on my little facade, if there is such a thing - because there never was a facade. The truth of the matter is - when you break your best friend's heart to justify your own ruthless pursuit of, "happiness"at the expense of such a precious relationship, the inevitable result would be (for me) - total devastation, loss, and a greater sense of rejection of "socialization." It would undoubetly lead to isolation, exile, and a sense of inferiority, even hatred towards society and its crimes towards yourself.

  I do not bother to hide my hatred of my past. I do not bother to hide the fact that I am suffering. There is no point. As you can already see, my dear readers - I am an honest person. It was also because of this unconditioned honesty that people take advantage and take for granted me - Xinyu Hu. Forget about "x" factors. I am the biggest fucking "X" on the map of this strange world.

  I feel hollow inside. I am now a shell of the man I used to be. I once believed that the power of love could overcome the love of power...but it looks like I was dead wrong. I am almost hopeless because I am suffering daily. Every day, I suffer, and I am constantly reminded by my own spiritual corpse of the price I had to pay for someone else's, "happiness."

  I still want to feel love. I really do. Deep down, despite this image of hatred, isolation, and fear...there is still love - it is just heavily suppressed and oppressed. I hate my past. I can not deal with it alone. I have been trying in vain to make friends...but, what could I possibly do with myself? I feel abandoned. I am so lost. More lost than I ever been before. I have repeated the same stupid scenario for like 5 times now. Sooner or later it would have to end. I hate it. I hate having to live through my misery day in and day out.

  I am far more vulnerable than I imagine myself to be. Even as the Dark Lord...I am far from it. I a vulnerable, lonely, and hollowed human being. I am a man whose heart has been shattered by the one he loved. I am the man who lost everything, and who has lost so much more. I am the one who is humbled through his rage and desire for insatiable, imaginary power. I know that power does not really exist, but I need to deceive myself and others into thinking that such a thing as infinite, pure, and absolute power does exist.

  I am a man with so many secrets of darkness and mystery, that I have none. I am open to attack from every direction, and I defend myself in return by building up a huge defense mechanism like doublethink in response to being attacked or insulted. I could easily doublethink everything if I wanted to. Ironically, it doublethink itself that prevents me from doublethinking everything.

  I know too much. I suffer too much. I feel too much. I am...a fragile human being.

  Call this entire entry an act of doublethink if you wanted to. See if I care. Why should I care? Proceed at your own discretion.

   

  Power of Love, and Love of Power of Love

   

  Xinyu Hu

   

   

  • 8:55 pm
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