I admit that I have been an addict to doublethink ever since I first heard of that term. I have been so fascinated and hooked by dialect - philosophy, paradoxes and fallacies that it is sad, perhaps even intriguing to watch as an ideology consume me, which, according to my friends, have ruined many, many things. But, my argument against them is that an idea is not dangerous at all. Of course, then they start thinking that once that ideology becomes public, I am far more capable of heresy, crime, and treason. But, I respond to them in the classical manner of apathy-empathy-symmpathy - I don't give a damn, or, I don't give a shit. I have so many mottoes and moral principle to follow already that it is like as if though I have none to follow, because there is so much to begin with, and trying to follow every single one of them is really, really inconvenient at times, considering that I am beginning to become more and more practical/pragmatic. I need to seriously become more realistic and somewhat more pessimistic. I am a cynic, and a skeptic. I find that living my life right now is so disgusting and nasty that at any time any one of my friends could turn against me. I am just afraid of a number of things I guess. Oh well, anyways, doublethink has backfired at me for a very, very long time ever since my friends start using it against me. They even warned me to not use it very much - but what else do I have, or had for that matter way back in Grade 11? I had no ideology, no concept, no, "truth value" whatever that means by which to lead myself to be who I am today - which is, by the way, a fucked up son of a bitch. But, then again, I am a bastard sometimes. I see no reason why an ideology should get in the way - but, then again, I could doublethink on it - but there is no point - there is so much point and purpose in saying it, that even the point has ceased to exist.
I confess - I can be quite sucked in by any idea that could lead me somewhere, even if that somewhere is only we know. It is depressing, I know for you all to witness me as I become corrupted by doublethink, indifference, and conspiracy theories. But, if you were actually me, you would understand - with the exception of Lady. I know that, as a steadily more pragmatic person - who, in essence is a great idealist as well - that to be real is to be worried about the affairs of this life. I know that I am not perfect - no matter how idealistic I am - so, what is the point of being all idealistic? Simple, learn how to be more pragmatic, realistic, and practical. I need to learn how to face the real world for all that it is worth. I know that some of you may think I am just typing this up for the sake of appeasement, but I am not. I am being real here - no matter what I do - a vital part of me will be lost if I give up some components of my interests for the sake of, "friendships." What about my individuality? Doesn't that count as a value, and a fact that needs to be considered by all you realists out there?
Am I cynical of a few of my friends and their goals? Yes, of course. But, as long as I am not too idealistic, too into doublethink, too indifferent, and too extreme about breaking limits, borders, and boundaries, it should turn out okay. I can't believe that despite telling myself for these few weeks that I am so screwed that it is still not easy to let go of doublethink, conspiracy theories, and indifference. I am just trying to be impartial, fair, and just here for once - or, rather, trying for a very, VERY long time. I hate it when people don't give me the chance to be a leader, a real leader. It is like they can't trust me because of my, "ideas" on the world, and what I think of it. Dammit, I am criticizing myself hardcore here, but, that is slightly better than having someone else criticize and cruxify you all day because what you think is so extreme that everyone else would want to murder you next. Well, that doesn't stop me from thinking now, does it? Listen pal, we need to stop blaming each other, and look for the solution to our differences, and hopefully - you can get over my extreme idealism and I can get over your extreme caution of security, and loyalty.
I guess I have the motto that says if we take life too seriously, everything will be so serious for us that we can't even maintain our intellect. I guess to be able to be comical is just as important to be cautious and coolheaded. I prefer warmth though, but, that is just my own bias and opinion, so, I won't bother arguing with anyone over that.
Anyhow, I need to give you more space - I know, I know - you're a workaholic, and I am a conspiracy-theory holic....whatever that means. I am just worried I guess about your health and mind - try to occassionally take a rest - no, wait, never mind, that does not work - no pun intended - just keep on working harder and faster than ever.
I am always so worried about my friends - it is funny because apathy, indifference, and conspiracy theories have made me more caring about the truth, love, justice, mercy, and loyalty, honor, duty, and trust amongst whatever friends I have. Sure, I may sound like as if though I am apathetic and indifferent, but, deep down, in my heart of hearts - I do still feel whatever emotions I have. What do you want to me to do? Cry again? Is that gonna ever satisfy you or anyone for that matter?
I am aimed, and I have more will than ever before to mend the mistakes, errors, and flaws that I have made in the past. I am going to resolve our wars once and for all. I know that in theory, theory and experience are the same thing, but in practice, they're not. I understand that philosophy. It is ironic though, that with every philosophy, there is a philosopher whose job - incidentally is to disagree with them and screw them over. Just like me and my friend Gabriel Ho. I am the idealist, so I needed a realist. I am a doublethnker, he is a monothinker - so, that once again is proof that neither of us can get of each other that easily. We are an intricate system together - perhaps not the most friendly nor the most compatible, but, it works to an extent. Where I see infinite, he sees finite. What a perfect partnership of thinkers and doers who will be capable of such great deeds if and only if they resolve their differences and celebrate it afterwards. Hey, come on now, everyone's interpretation of everything is different - even in the smallest of degrees, minutes, and seconds - but what is the point? To make progress.
I promise myself and you that we will come up with a solution that will appease both of us. I am honest about that objective. I am sorry if I can't satisfy you, so, just tell me what you want in a compromising manner. I am open to compromise and negotiations, but not absolute black and white, yes or no. Conditions must be met. Our goals must be achieved regardless of the obstacles. We will obtain them no matter what. It all depends on how willing you are to negotiate a compromise. I have no intention of secretive or conspiratorial psychological warfare games, just honest persuasion until we're both satisifed - evened out, and are equal, and thus, happy in our dealings.
Now, let us just hope that when I do become more pragmatic, and realistic, I don't lose myself completely. After all, to be CONFIDENTIAL, CENSORED, and CLASSIFIED to the max ain't my idea of what a real me would be like. I don't want to for ever give up a special, even humble part of myself. Just live with it man.
Yours, with love
XINYU HU
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