From Current to Past Occurrences:

Hena Hameed - H being the 8th letter of the alphabet - or 88 - in sync with March 29, 1988 - 88th day of the 88th year...HH is also a Scorpio

August 8, 2008 - Beijing Winter Olympics, my ex-best friend's birthday (19)...

Gabriel Ho - G(8) - Gate - Stargate - Waterdoor - Scorpio, birth and rebirth

2004 October - January 2005, October 2005 - October 2008 - 3 years and 3 months and 3 days (of mourning)...or 333...

APXH - Alpha Omega of the Christ Consciousness...

888 - license plate not far from my house - two house down...

Occurrences of the Number 13:

I was 13 when September 11, 2001 occurred

I spent 13 days in Guelph University

January 13th was when I asked my former best friend to be my girlfriend...it only lasted until May 1st - May Day - 121st day of the year or (11*11)...

Between May 12 and May 13 - it is the 132 to 133 day of the year...

These days, I am just bored...so, instead of doing absolutely nothing, I decided to get lots of books for reading and thinking through about....I figure, that is the only way I can pass through this phase of my life...which is, incidentally, repeating itself too many times for my own liking.

I hate to imagine that you are still my main source of hatred and destruction...you are now the face that is forever stamped upon and without mercy. You will never be forgiven for what you did...until the day I die. I hope I die before I ever have to see you again. You disgust me, and you are everything now that I despise...you are now...nothing.

You did it yourself. Do not blame me for your own bad choices. Sooner or late you and that idiot of a boyfriend will break up. Trust me. It is inevitable, because even with us....it ended. I hate what you did...but most important of all...I do not like you one bit now. You were once my life source...the very meaning why I am alive...but now, I have little to nothing...and all, because of you.

I am just trying to move on....I hate being stuck in my past...especially a past that is so traumatizing and tormenting...I am so HOLLOW inside and out. I try my best to live life to the fullest...it is just so hard and difficult.

I loved you once...but no more.

I'll just go back to reading books instead and figuring out who I am...I need DMT...for a spiriual-mystical-God-like experience...DMT is calling me...and I NEED IT.

Love and loneliness

Xinyu Hu

P.S. X - Marked for something...great or terrible...we do not know

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Ever since the tragedy of three months ago or so...things have just been...bland..

I don't know...I have just been so angry, traumatized and shocked...I can not believe that the only girl whom I have ever known so well could just betray me...

Anyhow, regardless...I am trying my best to find some solace and peace through other friends or at least - potential friends...

There is plenty of hot girls out there...and there are plenty of interesting guys out there...I mean, my world is not over...at all, yet.

Regardless, today, somehow, I got up at 11:11 am...and I have been doing a lot of art lately...and reading the Twilight Saga...very intriguing...I mean, it is fascinating to see things from a woman's perspective...with some darker romance of course...I love dark romance...and romance in general. I am a hopeless romantic, but not a desperate lover...at the moment anyways...because I am taking a LONG break from love...but not from women in general. After all, I was not the one who cheated or betrayed my best friend for the sake of personal gain...

I think I am moving in the right direction...I am forging my own path and my own destiny...I already know my long-term objective...to be a lawyer, and something to do with business...and probably even journalism...an investigative, freelance journalist...that is my dream job...

I shall, one day, find the One I am looking for in my consciousness...for so long. I am optimistic...but for now, some time of a break is necessary...

I can go through all kinds of shit...there is nothing that is not beyond my comprehension and ability to tolerate...or, at least, that I know of...

I shall transcend through all the bullshit of my life...and find the Tree of Life...that is within...and I shall rise above all else...and find...PEACE...

Love

Xinyu Hu

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I am the one whose stuck in the past...

I can not help it...

My past fucking hurts way too much for my liking...

I can not stand myself...at all, these days!

   

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I am so fucking ostracized from my community. My voice is heard, but nobody really heeds it - or, perhaps they do, but I do not notice...ehhhh...life is just frustrating...

In my efforts to prove that 9/11 as an inside job and that there are conspracies for world government, my most vocal critics have challenged my conclusions on the basis that they are a, "stretch." Whatever that suppose to mean, I do not know...but oh well...

Yesterday, I turned 21...no big deal...right? I suppose in my loneliness, I make a big deal out of my self to myself...I brag way too much, and I tend to be too possessive...I have to stop...

So, yesterday, bought the Twilight Saga...it is pretty good. I got to the point where Bella finally realizes how much she loves Edward...that is the best part for now...at least. I have no lover nor am I in love...I am mostly in rage over what happened to me so long ago...I am not in denial of it - I am trying to get over it...with a bit of denial and manipulation of my past...but what is the fucking point?

I am the Sith Lord, and Dark Lord...you knew it as well as anybody else...I was not kidding when I stated that  the Dark Lord shall rise...and he did. He is now an integral part of my personality...and I cannot escape that. The Darkness that I have studied for so long now is an aspect of who I am...because, thanks to the fatalism of my life...I am the Dark Lord...especially the most recent traumas of terror and disbelief.

I am still struggling to this day...it is not easy to get over the past when it hurts you so much. When one has given everything one could, and was taken advtange of...what choice do one have really? Can you simply stab at it and hope it goes away long enough for you to keep sane? Like, seriously - WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSE TO DO?

I do not know...I am as naive and as honest as I can...

The truth always hurts. I tried my best to practise what I preach...and I am the ultimate threat to this society of people who are not interested in the truth (save a few)...and yet, despite all my sacrifices...I still ended up where I once was...I am like the Ouroboros archetype...the Dragon in spirals and always biting its own tail...

I may not be the night owl...but I am the owl when it comes to knowledge. Gnosis. God. Geometry.

The Sacred Arts is my art. It is what keeps me alive...despite how dangerous my thoughts are...and how terrible my inner vengeance can become...

Never underestimate the Dark Side of Life...it will always come back to haunt you. May be not today, but tomorrow.

Love and Rebirth

Xinyu Hu

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It has been a really long time since I last updated this blog...my last one was about about my now-and-forever gone best friend who has ceased to exist in my memory and my records...

What one says has little bearing, unless one means it by doing what one says...so, for all you girls who think you can cheat and get away with it - NO, I don't think so.

What is it with women these days? Especially those women who think they have everything they could possibly have and yet still want more? What is it with girls these days and their desperation for hunting for some random boyfriend whom they can take advantage of? How come her cronies did not ask about my side of the story about what happened between us? Simple - all those other guys are under her control, and would not dare step out bounds, knowing that she too can break up with them...whether in a relationship or not is unimportant.

Oh well, regardless...

For me, personally, after two months of feeling mad everyday...I say - there are tons of hot chicks out there - why the fuck I allow myself to be manipulated by you?

I am not evil or bad, or crue or anything...my words of revenge and bloodlust serve only to perpetuate or at least - delay the inevitable...or perhaps - accelerate it. I do not actually hate that other guy - I just don't like what you have done to me...and in that anger - I had to displace it to your random boyfriend whose just as stupid as anyone else to try to enter into your life...because no matter who enters your life - you see absolutely no reason whatsoever to change your attitude towards love itself...

I always live by my principles, and people are my concern for as long as they live by the same principles I live by - but, if they step out of those precious values and morales, they are out of my life for good. Cheating on me is one of those things that is out of bounds with my principle. That is an act that totally unforgiveable even if you come to me years from now to ask for it. It cannot be given - you must earn it back.

It is not so much what is said that concerns - but what was done and is done about it.

Your actions and words do not match, and as such, is a waste of effort and time to be with you any longer.

As far as I am concerned - regarding my present and future - I can find some other girl that is way hotter, beautiful and sincere, if not honest about herself than you ever will be. Just watch.

You are not my best friend any more. I broke too much of my heart over you, and yet you repaid it back in betrayal and treason.

Yours, looking to the future

Xinyu Hu