I lost my best friend recently...she was my best friend...until she betrayed me and my trust - both explicit and implicit.

Once a traitor - always a traitor.

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My ex cheated on me, and that is the honest truth - if she can not deal with that terrible truth...then she is messed.

Seriously - woman - why the fuck did you use me for freaking casual sex and that stupid friends with benefits shit?

I do not like it when you do that - or anyone for that matter.

You know it, and I know it.

Deal with it - CHEATER.

Once a cheater - always a cheater. No exceptions.

Screw you. I can not believe what you have actually written in your entry about how pathetic your silly relationship with that guy is...ewwwwhhhh...

Seriously, what the fuck happened to the girl I knew? She was not like this - like wanting to go to bed with some other random dude from a fucking bus.

Fuck it. You are so - how do I say it without judging you? This is just messed. You are on your own. You and yoru little phony relationship is going to be destroyed in a blink of an eye. Just watch babe. Within a few months or a few years - your relationship with your so-called slutty, nasty, "boyfriend" - or to be honest - your fuck buddy who you are gonna sooner or later dump...

Enjoy it while you can. Fuck it.

This whole damn thing is FUCKED.

DO NOT BLAME ME FOR WHAT HAPPENED. You were the one who decided to go off with him - why did I not go out with some other random chick then? Because it was against my morals. Now you have done it - you have made me really dislike you.

You disgust me.

Xinyu Hu

I am so disturbed, distraught, and in a state of shock. I am completely unaware of what is going on around me - I try to live - trying to live...but barely. Inside my heart and soul - there lies a world in ruins. A world of anarchy, discord, and chaos. A world of indifference, a world of apathy, and coldness...a world where it is freezing...an icy world of pain and agony...a world where I don't know who I am anymore...a world where I do not belong...but which I reside. I am a stranger in a strange place without a map.

I am totally lost. I am confused and dazed. I am traumatized beyond recognition. I am blinded...and I want to let go of the blinds because I can...but this is just so freaking painful! Doesn't anyone understand? Could not someone feel the pain I harbour within? Could not someone have sympathy or even empathy? I am in desolation. My heart is dead...and my soul is silent. A dark silent. Only memories remain...an echo of what what was...and all - lost. For ever. I can not ever go back...I know that...it is just that - every day, the same struggle comes up, and every moment they do, I have to face them, confront them, and not make myself feel guilty...but I know I am alone...and that I have no choice but to accept this predictament...even if I do not want to...

I am still in anger, in outrage, and in a state of oblivion...whereby I do not know anything anymore...I spend most of my freaking free time reading Shakespeare, studying, or just playing violent RTS computer games - because - seriously, what else am I to do?

Nobody understands except for my parents...but I am in true isolation. I am blocked both ways...I am confided in a prison of anger and pain...I am angry at everyone and everything...but really - I am angry at myself...much like Zuko...lost, deluded, and in solitude.

I need to find someone whom I can trust...a sanctuary...and the only one I can find for now - is myself. I am crying deep down inside - I just do not show it of course...this is a really tough, heartwrenching moment in my life...and I am facing it alone - all alone, because it is the only thing I can do.

I sacrificed so freaking much for you...and this is how you repay me? Everyone owes me something...everyone - no exceptions. One way or another, people will regret what they have done to me...because I sacrificed too much, and lost it all in the end...

This is the price of a love that is no more. A love that no longer exists...and in its place - anger, frustration, and disappointment...

Xinyu, Anakin Skywalker

These days - I am lonely as hell. That is just - inevitable. I have no friends whom I can trust. The friends you once introduced to me - well, they are just as unreliable...and have caused more troubles than expected. In other words - I did kind of - stalk you...on the internet. But that was not a prevalent thing...it never really was. I lost my internet as you may or may not know...

I hope you have at least read my fucking letter - the last one ever. It would be a great shame if you did not - because it is revealed in that letter many aspects of your own shadow - a shadow that you are either not aware of - or, are just - simply trying to run away from.

The crisis between you and I that resulted in where we are today - away, far away from each other - is because of that shadow. You fear it. You think you can keep denying it, and if you escape from it long enough - you may find what you are looking for - The One. But trust me - your relationship with him will not last long. It has started deteriorating already. It is crumbling on an unconscious level. You do not see it - because when our relationship failed after three years, the likelihood of you even keeping your current relationship with him is extremely unlikely.

You lost me - because I tried to help you see your own shadow, to slow down, to pause, and to reflect. Now, I can not help you. You are beyond helping. You have fallen into your own grave - essentially - every day that you try to deny your internal issues and not deal with them with someone with both subjective and objective experience, and someone whom cared for you for a long time (me for example)...then you are just digging your own grave.

Deal with the reality that you are more like your mother than you hope to be. Deal with the fact that you too can become a cold, heartless, "bitch." Most bitches do not know they are bitches because nobody ever told them. You cheated on me, and I had to respond. I could not simply follow your path for eternity could I? I had always changed and at least - tried to make progress - it was you who was stuck on your own path of, "my way or the high way."

You made your choice. You reap what you sow. Nobody escapes their fate.

Perhaps nobody ever told you in life what you ought to do - so, instead, you decide that to be free means - not listening to what people say what you ought to do. Sometimes, guess what babe - they are right. What you ought to do at times is far more important than what you want to do. Everything good must come to an end. Everything decays, rots, and collapses. There is no escaping the inevitable. Your relationship with him too will end. I give it 4 or 5 months.

I am not afraid to lose the ones I love anymore. I am not afraid to be alone anymore either. Why should I be? I am already alone and lost the one I loved for so long. You were like a sister to me. You were the one...until you made that choice that resulted in where you are today, and where I am today.

I am never going back to you. Get used to it.

Xinyu Hu - lonely, but stronger than ever

I am so depressed...there is nothing to do...gosh, after losing so much...how much worse could my life get?

Things are always bad before they get better...and this is just another one of those experiences...

I accept my past...I have to - to move on. I got to move on no matter how bitter and outraged I am.

I'll keep myself busy for the next few years...this is so - TERRIBLE.

After 3 years...everything I worked so hard for - vanished in a blink of an eye...

Why oh why do I have to go through this?

I have been torn by love...now I am pretty much alone in this universe...I have to accept it no matter how terrible it is - for the moment at least.

I can't get back my stuff...but I can get it for myself...someday, I am going to reward myself...and she'll come along - I give up looking. What is the point? I am too angered to see what is happening around me...

Xinyu Hu

My first love story may have failed...but not my hope.

It is a shame that we have failed our relationship, but most of it was not due to my errors or my faults. I was partially responsible. I may even have been an idiot at times for sticking to my values, but regardless - I stuck up for my values of contentment with one person. Now, that one person is gone. I may be alone...but not for too long, because I know God will find someone for me - the right One.

You may not be The One, and I may not The One for you either. I am not ashamed of that fact any longer. I have no fear of you or your threats any more.

I demand to have back my stuff, no apologies.

This is over babe. It was over a long time ago. I suffered too much for you to have you to keep my stuff around in your house any longer. Give it back - NOW.

Xinyu Hu - independent, alone, but not in fear

- Parties and partying...

- More Friends - guys and girls

- Clubs, lounges

- More things to do to keep myself busy

- be calm and resolute

Okay, okay, okay...this is IT!

I am officially sick of reading my essays for sociology, psychology, and english. I need someone else to read this for me...ahhhh... I need edittors. I need serious edittors.

I hate the fact that the new Microsoft Office 2007 does not have the capability to READ. That would just make my life ten millions times easier. That way I can at least hear every word of it and judge it accordingly and see what I have to edit. Now, I have to read it myself, and I hate it. I can't stand over-reading my essays or papers. I much prefer someone else do the reading for me...I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.

Not that there is anything wrong with my papers of course...it is just after reading them everyday or even skimming through them, you just want to avoid it altogether. I guess I am just having trouble trying to force myself to read the papers I have written.

Whatever, my life is already bad as it is already...how much worse can it get?

Xinyu Hu

I am planning to be just myself. Not vey original. I prefer wearing black though, it gives me a sense of power...

   

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