My life is essentially right now, more of a double-edged sword. This metaphor I shall explain further.

Basically, at this point in my life, seeing that I am going through so much shit for one lady, I have after all, committed all my resources to her, but I have not exactly gotten the same thing in return. I am, honestly, in all truth and sincerity, content with having one woman in my life. I do not need any more women lovers - because that would be a betrayal, an act of treason against the one whom I love. So, when the idea came up that it, "is okay" to like someone while going out with other people - I have to disagree. I can not live like that in all honestly. I see that as pretty much an act of stabbing you in the back while kissing you in the face. There is only one way, and that way I leave to you.

All I ever want is what I give to The Love on My Life. If she can not give in return what I have given, I shall still love her unconditionally as I had always done. I don't understand why it is so difficult to fulfill that promise. I don't want to have to carry apron strings around me if I were to love someone. I would love them regardless and I would stick to them through thick and thin.

Please, Lady, put yourself in my position. That is all I ask of this moment. If you were me, what would you have done? Would you understand how I felt? Do you know what it is like to commit once and for all?

I have been in your position many times, and I know how much you like other men...but as seductive and as luring as they are - appearances can be deceiving. After all, what you may have been searching for may be very well be in front of you. You need not look too far, because the darkest place is always in front of you, and that is also where the light is.

Hence, this is the double-edged nature of my life. It is a matter of thinking things through before rushing into the storm without knowing why after wards everything goes from bad to worse. Let us not rationalize or hide the truth from ourselves.

Perhaps there is more to this metaphor.

Love

^

II

II

II

II

II

II

II

II

II

II

II

XIIX

III III III III III III III

IXXI

II

II

II

Xinyu Hu

Thanks to all the emotional trauma and shock in my life, I have been receiving a spew of criticism from my dad. He has been criticizing my recent artworks...which are mostly arcane, sacred geometric symbols...and my love of Lego, of Earth Stones, that is - crystals. He criticized me for being a little kid simply because he claimed that I have no real career plan, and that since other guys do, they can basically sweet-talk whoever they want into liking them...and further - "they have a larger social circle." I am not denying anything that my dad said, but my passions for the art, the Lego, the stones, and the mysteries that I study - they are for ever a part of me, and no matter how pressured I may be from him to stop studying, "Weird" stuff - not a chance. I can't help but get back a part of my childhood that I have missed out, and I don't think my dad understands. He does not understand the fact that most of my childhood had been suppressed and repressed in work, WORK, and WORK. Sure, some people may claim that being a 20 year old collecting Lego is crazy, even a sign of insanity - but does that make me any more crazy than - say...Einstein? Freud? Jung? Dali? Beethoven? I am sure they were allowed to do whatever they did because they, "matured." But for me - I missed out a major part of my childhood fun and enjoyment that I project into my adulthood...even as I am an adult.

I am not by any means ashamed to admit these things...they are just an unbearable truth concerning myself...

As of my lack of friends, and so-called lack of a career that is superiorly different than whoever I like - that is my choice...even as most of society disagrees with me. I never really was much of a fan of the stream, of the crowd that is. I merely carve my own destiny and make it happen even as I go against the flow. I go my own way because I feel that the rules of the world do not apply to me, and that I am beyond those rules. I am - after all, just a little bit more than this world, and this world can not tell me who I am.

While my social circle shrinks around me, I do feel miserable as it shrinks ever more every second...but I still try my best to retain whatever I do have left, and get new people whom I can at least relate to...I guess there is a certain point in my life where my suffering is inevitable, unavoidable, and undeniable. So, what is my plan? Well, to have a voice in my philosophy class next semester, and to be more engaged in that class... and hopefully officially join the debate society...go to York after my two years of college and spread my wings...and fly...literally (if not metaphorically).

It is not a plan that is meant to be fulfilled overnight, and as such, I can only play the game so well for now. I do, though, have to do my best to talk to a few more girls and guys in my class...ah, this is so frustrating...but I have hope. Hope is the key - even if the concept of Hope is an illusion. I don't care if Hope is an illusion, or a simulation, or just a delusion - it is a necessary one.

I refuse to give up, to surrender, and to simply rip away everything I love about myself and who I am in the expense of getting what I feel I rightfully deserve. Even as I am not a dominant, popular or social, I do have my advantages...even though many of them are few and far between...but what is to be done? Is it worth it to give up your entire life just because someone would not love you the same way you love them? Whatever happened to reciprocity? I guess life is a mystery to me - and women - all the more - but together, they are a worthwhile venture. They are not fruitless - I have hope and courage to face the storm.

Xinyu Hu

Ever get that feeling where everything and everyone around you is just swirling into a maelstorm of chaos and oblivions? I am feeling that very - emotion, should I say - right now. It is unbearable to watch - it is like watching allies and enemies fighting amongst themselves in a sea of calmness before the final judgment...that is how bad it is...

My world is changing so rapidly, so quickly, that even I lost count of how many times it has changed - evolved, and at times - crumbled and collapsed. My internal world of imaginations and fantansies is my own unique civilization - and like all great civilizations, it has the potential for great good, and for great evil - but, thankfully, I have chosen the former...but even the lure of the dark side is tempting...but that is not the worst of it...the worst of it is not what is necessarily internal...it is what is beyond its own control that ultimately shapes my civilizations internal security and peace...happiness and prosperity...

The world that I am living in now has just been struck down by lightning...I am in fact, ruled by my emotions more than I ever...in way, a part of me is a girl...haha...no, seriously...SERIOUSLY. That is why I am so kind, honest, vulnerable, and compassionate about anyting and everything...(except for some other girly stuff lol)...but other than that - my personality is a combination of masculinity and feminity...and since I am so - FRIENDLESS - people take advantage of me...whether or not they realize it or not...it was not all my fault...even though I perpetuated it...or - at least - allowed myself to remain in this isolated, lonely, dark world...

I really tried my best to be the best I could possibly be - but that is apparently, by the nature of this fragile and fickle world - not enough. The world tells men like myself that it is unacceptable to be just yourself...and to have peace in solitude...instead, the world encourages me to dominate, empower, and rule over others...something I can not see myself doing any time at all...in fact, I have given up on being bossy a long time ago through much sweat and tears...

Today...the same thing is merely repeating itself over and over again in new shapes and forms more subtle and more manipulative than ever before...it has forced me to consider wiping out my existence from certain people's minds because I much prefer to be dead in their mind - just because it is a matter of convenience and policy...but that just shatters me even more...because sometimes I really feel dead. I have cried so much today and yesterday...and who knows? I may be crying a lot every day...because I can't help it, because I can't deny that I am human...only human - with a touch of spirit and light...

I do my best to live by the precept of Unconditional Love - but that just leaves me all the more vulnerable, and open to being manipulated and taken advantage of, and taken for granted...I confess - I am a crazy personality - perhaps even a minority of one. I embraced myself for who I am, but that is just failing me...it is like the very world that I lived in has changed overnight, and when that happened, I was not ready...I just stood there and stared in shock and terror...in a state of trauma and shell shock...

For those who are competing with me over someone precious - please please please forget about me. I do not exist. I have committed spiritual suicide. I have lived my entire life in honesty and truth, and I can not shatter that foundation just because of you.

I love

Xinyu Hu, Heartbreak 3

Just a while ago I realized I forgot to transfer some documents from the INFO course to my hard drive...whatever - remember Xinyu - get it done this long week end...in fact, preferably today after you go home and after you take a shower...

REMEMBER! POWER POINT ASSIGNMENT - TUTORIAL 1!

I don't care how much my heart breaks

Or how long it takes

Or how much it aches inside

I take it

I'll die, sacrifice and lay down my life

Everything is worth it for you my Love, Trust me...

For Eternity

Forever

For the rest of Time and Beyond

Infinite & Beyond!

Right now, at this moment, I feel am drowning in deep waters...I can't even breath. I am suffocating inside, and I am dying internally. This is sacrifice that is so much and so painful, I wonder how I'll survive it.

This is what it feels to be Xinyu.

You don't know what to think, what to feel, and even your most basic survival instincts. There is for ever a scar in your heart, a burden that must be carried for ever or until the proper time to let it go...you are suffocating and drowning in a pool of despair and agony...yet you can not let yourself out of it for surrender is never an option, it never was, and never shall be. You are being burned inside out, and as you look upon your broken soul, all you can do is cry and sob it out in your heart of hearts...

A dark cloud covers your entire consciousness, and as you watch in sorrow, you realize that the darkness is inevitable, and it is unstoppable, and that this Darkness shall not end until the proper apportioned time...until God and Fate determines otherwise. It is agonazing, and dreadful, but what can you do? Let out the dragon above that snow-white mountain peak...or hold it in and suffer it through...and you choose to suffer through, to not let your anger consume you even as you are suffering and dying inside...

You can't even breath, you are dying every moment of every second while you are still alive...

This is what it feels to be Xinyu.

My life has taken another huge leap of faith, or perhaps to be more accurate - leap of chaos, disaster, heartbreak, and solemn depression...and so, it is time to reflect upon my life and to do what I can to win what is rightfully mine and what I know I deserve from the bottom of my heart...

These few days since last week have not been easy for me...in fact it was just four days ago that my poor heart is broken again...and I ultimately blame myself for it, and I feel at the same time - stabbed in the back...almost betrayed in a way...but that is so beside the point...

Today and yesterday my Tarot Cards for Love are Swords, all reversed...so as you may be able to guess - being blinded and stabbed to death is the motif here - which relates well with the Death Card that showed up the day after my bad news has arrived and what could I do? All I could do was reflect, cry, and reflect upon my lifestyle, and wonder what in the world did I ever do wrong to deserve this? Perhaps the answer is right in front of my nose all that time and I never bothered looking at it - LOVE EVERYONE UNCONDTIONALLY...

The lesson that I have to learn of course - while in front of me is never easy because the most obvious and the most right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do...but if I don't do it, I will lose more than I have already lost...in fact, I spend most of my life losing battle after battle, but now - I see victory but that victory, that moment of grand triumph will be a pyrric one - one where I shall lose as much as I shall gain, and where I shall push myself to the outer limits of infinity and beyond, to where none has ever gone before...and then - out of those ashes of my former self - a new Xinyu shall be born...(again, for the uptenth time)...but this one shall be stronger than all his predecessors, this new one will learn to love not only those who are with him, but those who are against him, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart...

There is a reason why I am the Phoenix Rising today, because I have not fully risen out my grave just yet...that is for the proper time and providence...but it is inevitable...because I will and shall learn my lesson and never lose so much as I have done in the past...I am the blaze of the rising sun through the mobius strip of the stars and the fires of hope and honor, love and loyalty...

I am determined to practise what I preach, and this pyrrhic victory shall not come easy, because I love The Girl of My Dreams too much to let Fate be the victor, if God and Fate is against me, then I shall learn from them what I was suppose to learn years ago...it is never too late, it is just a moment of realizing it in time before it is too late...

This my Zero Hour

Heart Break 3, Mobius, Blaze

Man - it has been so long since I last updated and so it is time to update - again....

So - what has been happening in my life these days other than studying my ass off? Well - drawing - lots and lots of art projects - most of them spontaneous and come out of my intuition...perhaps that is how I connect with the higher vibrations of the universe and the Collective Consciousness...call me crazy but I have done so many drawings it is incredible the insight they offer me and all those who view them. In fact, I am in utter awe every time I finish a project. It is as if I am being unplugged from the Matrix whenever I draw it and connect my consciousness with the ether and the spirit worlds...

I draw upon a lot of creative energy whenever I do one or more of my sycnhromystic-inspired pictures...symbols... perhaps? It is just insane I tell you. I can incorporate so many elements, symbols, signs, and significance into one drawing and then in doing so also synthesize it in relation with other drawings, and the bigger picture, the Holistic side of my room...

I love Sacred Geometry, Sacred Art, and the Secrets of the Universe...it is just amazing how many things I can come up with every time I just sit down and do a piece of fascinating art work...it is as if I was in a trance, or perhaps higher level of consciousness...unifying myself with God and all of humanity...

Since I study numerology, astrology, tarot, and runes, as well as Sacred Geometry, I can combine them together to form meta-themes and meta-motifs...it is just hard to describe all the connections that I can draw form just studying synchromysticism - the art of connecting seemingly irrelevant, subliminal, subtle, unconscious motifs together to explain the effects of time-space and the boundaries of space-time...to find all the connections and meaningful coincidences that is either of concern to an individual or the collective consciousness in general...

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I am so obsessed (or passionate) about this area of mysticism, spirituality, and metaphilosophy, metapsychology, and meta, "politics." After all, all the figures of Sacred Geometry have some relationship with one another, with us, and with everything...

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The Ninth Gate of 33

Cube of Mecca With Falling Moon

KII Mountain Range in the Center

Pyramid of Giza, The Great Pyramids of Mystery & Power

Twin Towers with Rising Sun & Black Monolith of 2001: A Space Odyssey

Tree of Life in Hexagon

Nine by Nine Checkerboard of Nine Rays

Royal Arch of Secrets & Balance

Rainbow Circle Around White Light Center

121 as 12, 21 and IXXI as 911/119

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Octagonal Stargate of Space-Time/Time-Space

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The Masonic 33rd Degree Tracing Board

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References to the Twin Towers Stargate Device, Freemasonry, and the Occult Powers of Imagination

Ourboros around the Circle of Time, Rainbow Serpent of Mysticism and Mystery, All-Seeing Eye of Illumination, Enlightenment, and Awakening

Black-White, Red-Blue, Gold-Silver Cubes Beneath - Trinity of Polarities and Unities

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Hexagonal Cube Travelling Through Stargate/Time Gate Device

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I love you Anthia...hoping to see you soon, and yes I give you credit for givng me the idea of presenting only a few pics per post...

Hope everyone enjoyed this presentation, as brief and picture-oriented as it is. Please comment people! I welcome it in all shapes, sizes, and styles...

Yours, mystery, modernity, mythology

24/8

8

88

  888 

It has been so long since I last updated my Xanga entry...so with all due respect - this will be one update in a long - long time.

I have been working on some art these days (which in spite of my earlier artist block I have been able to overcome with illuminating, perhaps enlightening potential of the 888 Phenomenon)...and so - what have I been doing since my last entry? Work mostly - which lasted a long while before I quit. And trust me - it was freaking difficult those days when I couldn't even get a break but I managed, and I survived the storm of KFC work and troubles...

Then - on the days after completing the birthday card for Anthia, I was able to draw up many - MANY compositions of symbols, Sacred Geometry, and occult themes throughout my room. In fact, right now, since I don't have any pictures of them - it is just hard to describe so it seems that you - all my readers would have to wait for my next post with pictures of  those symbols and significance...

As for school - I am staying ahead and surviving as best as possible. I am learning to adapt my skills at work to my school life and experiences. It is working and things are decent even though there are 3 tests coming up next week...I know I'll get A's on those. After all, I am an ACE!

Yours, love you Lady

Xinyu Hu

Beijing, 888, Masonic Initiation & The Christ to Rise out of the Ashes...

Today is the day that Beijing holds the 29th Olympiad...which is of course no big surprise to those of us who follow the news...but China is geographically shaped as a bird, or as I would personally prefer - the Phoenix or Eagle that is (supposedly) opposed to American foreign policy and their imperial ambitions...

And what of this day in itself? August 8, 2008 - to the Chinese is a lucky date - it brings fortune and prosperity to the people...but 888 is also a numerological code for Christ...hence tying why 888 is the most important date of this year. Interestingly enough the year, "1776" - the year that the United States, "won," its independence from Great Britain and the British Empire...hence a double Phoenix, or the Double-headed Eagle...the Twins motif, and the Anti-Christ who is, "the opposite of Christ." Strange enough - the number, "8" looks like a serpent in a figure eight biting its own tail...and also a variation of the Infinite symbol - or God symbol...

Today I also heard that the temperature in Beijing is 33 degree Celsius...33 being the highest degree of initiation in Freemasonry, and China having 33 regions only resonates the motif of Initiation and Enlightenment all the more...and the fact that the Olympics are happening in the Bird's Nest Stadium only resonates and syncs with the concept of Galactic Alignment on Dec 21, 2012...and the Galactic Center where the Phoenix shall rise out the ashes of its own nest from where the Ouroboros (a Serpent in a Circle biting its own tail)...the Cosmic serpent and the Phoenix (Eagle) theme once again appears...

Hence, as I have concluded to this level thus far - the Olympics were preplanned a long time ago...and seeing that this year is the Year of the Rat (which is the first solar/lunar sign in Chinese Astrology) - it is no wonder that the 888 sync is taking place...with many occult and hidden themes as undertones...i.e. the Serpent 8 and the Ouroboros, and the Phoenix out of its own Bird's Nest (see I told you so)...

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On a more personal level - today is my best friend's birthday - which is coincidentally August 8, 2008...and she is also a Snake in Chinese Astrology - once again, the Serpent theme is oscillated...yet at the same time - Leo - symbolized by the Sun (which is the Self psychologically speaking)...or the Galactic Sun - the Galactic Center motif...again! So - this whole meeting with my best friend almost four years ago is not a coincident but perhaps a synch with all the other themes related to this day and days to come...

Intriguingly enough - my own birthday is March 29, 1988 - March 29th being the 88th day of the year...once again more Serpents, Snakes, and Dragons which can be tied to the Tree of Life (777)...and seeing that 8 is a feminine number - it is no accident that the sign of the Sacred Feminine is so suppressed within our own society...oh, great - this thing is giving me a headache but all these little syncs and, "coincident" are neither coincident nor accident - they're rifts in space-time that should be able to explain how and why the world works the way it works, and should also illuminate another point - that we are all interconnected beings in a Collective Consciousness with this intelligent Universe of ours...which is built up of Symbols, Signs, and Secrets through the Occult Gateway of the Serpent and the Sun, the Stars and our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, intuition, intellect, emotions, and desires...

Yours, Love & Light

Xinyu Hu

P.S. Love you Lady of Flowers...

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3, 13, 23, 33 Pyramid of the Occult

Galactic Alignment, Dragon & Phoenix

Thirteenth in the Center - Galactic Alignment & Dec 21, 2012 -> 2013

Checkerboard & Initiation

As Above So Below, Tree of Life & Yin Yang

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